It is a
melancholy object to those who walk through the halls of this great school,
when they see the students trudging with heads down, heavy backpacks forcing
them into the posture of Quasimodo, eyes glazed over like those of caged beasts
yearning for their homes in Africa. In the present deplorable state of an
economy that only demands service-sector jobs, it is not uncommon to see them
on the backs, or at the heels of their teachers begging for less work, or
turning thieves of answers in order to get the grades that will propel them
into the Ivy Leagues.
As to my
own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject,
I propose, gentlemen, a humble suggestion.
I have been
assured by a very knowing member of the Chinese board of education that young
Americans wholesomely enjoy being put through no less than twelve AP classes to
get into their school of choice. Yes, they can’t get enough of retaking the SAT
ten times in order to get that perfect score, or having to do three varsity
sports, be an officer in no less than five clubs including Theatre and
Robotics, and get twice the service hours required for NHS and the three other
volunteering clubs they are a part of—all while getting a full eight hours
every night. Oh and they definitely love that they must be
Filipino-Mexican-Chippewa-Blackanese (okay, I stole that one from Rush Hour) Jews to have any chance of
getting into U of M!
Yes, let’s
tell students that the only people we accept at our college are brilliant,
energetic, out-of-the-box thinkers who will one day change the world. Because
when everybody is unique, no one is.
They are
all just hopelessly stressed out cattle, ready to trek the long mile to an
Ethiopian slaughterhouse.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
*Side note: I find my piece even more startling than Swift’s,
because it’s not even a satire; this is actually how it is!!!
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