Confessions of a Grammar Nazi

            I’m almost glad our class was wrong about what our positions in the punctuation debate were supposed to be. Almost. Because if Ms. Valentino were actually insinuating that we should argue for the complete and utter abolishment of punctuation, I’d probably go into the corner and cry.

            Yes, I am a self-proclaimed Grammar Nazi. Take me to the Comma-burg Trials if you must. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to take the staunch, haughty position that punctuation is “as constant as the Northern star,” never to deviate from the exact manner in which it was used in 1736. Instead, like a wise parent would say to a kid who’s messed up—much to his annoyance— I say, “There’s a time and place for everything.”

            I think that using punctuation in unconventional ways is brilliant if it gives the piece voice. If punctuating fragments instead of actual sentences and using capitalization incorrectly helps make your rhetoric more powerful, go for it! Many examples of modern literature, praised for their scathing insight into the pratfalls of human nature, have done so.

For example, in that Sherman Alexie piece we read earlier this year, he writes “’Indians, indians, indians.’ She said it without capitalization” (173).  Though spellcheck probably fought vigorously to censor Alexie’s art, he pushed back brilliantly, using incorrect capitalization to show his teacher’s utter disrespect for his people, and putting a period after a tiny fragment to give it emphasis.

            And if we want to use unconventional punctuation to bedeck our social media pages with personality, by all means we should. “OH. MY. GOD. I. CAN’T. BELIEVE. IT,” and “ohmygodicantbelieveit” convey a completely different tone; the former creates one of utter shock and not being able to take it all in, while the latter creates one of harried, ecstatic excitement.

            But there is some unconventional punctuation that I absolutely cannot stand:

“Errmahgerrd goin#ham at dat #partayytonite yaw #yoloswag955schoolyear”         The person who writes something like this expresses no voice other than the voice of a moronic ape who has nothing better to do with his life than watch Jersey Shore and post idiotic tweets like the one above. He is not worth the paper that the Holt McDougal American Literature textbook’s grammar pages are printed on. In fact, he is not worth the paper that the online version’s grammar pages are printed on (which is no paper). Imagine if our government wrote out laws like this (though I wouldn’t put it too far from them...)

            So here’s the long and short of it: the effects of using new-fangled punctuation to create art are wondrous. But it’s effects on government documents and meaningless social media posts? Not so hot.

            #Peaceout.